SOVIET TEST OF LIFEBOAT ETHICS

To: KGB

From: Vladimir Ivanovich Shrinkov, Commissar of Psychiatry

Subject: Determining Nationality of Captured Sailors

Date: February 29, 1942

In response to the Soviet Navy's concerns that captured soldiers be properly identified, researchers in this department have developed a following method for determining nationality.

Instructions: Set the sailor adrift in shark-infested waters, along with his unconscious grandfather, his unconscious captain, and a 150-pound pig, in a boat too small to carry the weight. When the boat begins to take on water, observe the sailor's behavior to identify nationality.

The subject . . .

. . . throws captain overboard to save grandfather: Italian.

. . . throws grandfather overboard to save captain: German.

. . . jumps overboard to save captain and grandfather: Japanese.

. . . throws pig overboard: Turkish.

. . . draws lots to see who will live: English.

. . . throws captain and grandfather overboard: French.

. . . throws captain, grandfather, and pig overboard: Swedish.

. . . throws captain, grandfather, and self overboard to save pig: Danish.

. . . uses seawater to wash pig: Norwegian.

. . . lashes pig to outside of boat: Indonesian.

. . . throws pig into battle with shark; bets on pig: Mexican.

. . . butchers pig, saves fat for lubricant: Greek.

. . . skins pig to fashion hose and pump to bale out water: Dutch.

. . . stretches pigskin over boat to make submarine: Scottish.

. . . puts captain's hat and jacket on pig: Russian.

. . . sets fire to boat to barbecue pig: Australian.

. . . eats entire pig; uses bones as bait to catch a shark for a trophy: American.

. . . prays for miraculous rescue: Irish.

. . . punches hole in bottom of boat to let water out: Polish.