TV SPIN-OFFS WE'D LIKE TO SEE

• If you loved Early Edition, about a man in Chicago whose newspaper is delivered a day early by a mysterious cat, you'll like Late Edition, about a woman in New Orleans whose newspaper is delivered a day late by a vile nutria.
  
  
• If you love watching investigations of crimes in Las Vegas casinos in CSI, you'll like CSI: Moscow, about forensic scientists who study the fatal head wounds of Russian roulette players.
  
  
• If you loved JAG (Judge Advocate General), you'll like FAG (Freedom Advocate General): Officers investigate violation of the military Don't ask, don't tell policy.
  
  
• If you love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where those lacking taste are provided a "queer makeover" by gay men, and The Simple Life, you'll like Mere Quakeover, where the teminally flamboyant seek refuge in the plain dress of the Society of Friends.
  
  
• If you loved The Wayne Brady Show, where Wayne interviewed celebrities, you'll tolerate Barbara Walters in a comedy created by Jerry Lewis, loosely based on the life of genius Marilyn vos Savant, called The Bwain Wady Show (also starring Tom Brokaw as the syndication editor, Paul Winchell as Dr. Robert Jarvik, and Cheri Oteri as interviewer Barbara Walters).
  
  
• If you love Anthony LaPaglia tracking down missing persons who vanish Without a Trace, you'll like Michael Jackson changing his appearance in Without a Race.
  
  
• If you loved Tyne Daly as a social worker trying to point her divorced daughter in the right direction on Judging Amy, you'll like Dale Tiny skipping meals as the busy coach of a nearsighted archer in Aiming Judy (filmed before an audience that arrives live).
  
  
• If you loved All Creatures Great and Small, memoirs of James Herriot's career as a veteranarian, and The Osbournes, a look inside the home of a musician struggling through altered consciousness, you'll like Ozzy and Herriot, in which Mr. Osbourne attempts to smuggle horse tranquilizers out of a Yorkshire animal hospital.
  
  
• If you love seeing homely women surgically made beautiful in The Swan, you'll like seeing mannish women surgically made virile in The Shwanz.
  
  
• If you loved Captain Kangaroo, a children's program hosted by an avuncular man with large pockets, and The People's Court, a judge presiding at a small claims court with actual litigants, you'll like Kangaroo Court, featuring a judge who favors litigants who fill his large pockets.
  
  
• If you loved Rain Man, about an autistic man's relationship with his brother, and Everybody Loves Raymond, about a sportswriter's relationship with his whole family, including his parents across the street, you'll like Everybody Loves Rain Man, starring Dustin Hoffman as a cross-dressing drug-addicted autistic sports statistician living across the street from Mr. and Mrs. Robinson (Eddie Murphy, Anne Bancroft). Beware the fraternity game that requires imbibing every time his wife Elaine Woman (Jay Leno in drag) mutters the words "idiot savant" under her breath.

Send us more! Address e-mail to Coney O'Hare at aloe@rev.net.